Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

This movie sucks and had a good story line, 2008-11-15
Darn!!!! The acting by the lead charter was well it stank. But the story line was well written. I must admit that I have seen some of his later work and it was a lot better. I give everyone an fair shake and this movie needs to be remade. Who ever wrote this movie needs to have their hand shaken. A.L. Scott

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

THE BEST BAD MOVIE EVER!, 2008-08-08
a href="http://www.amazon.com/review/R38E7FLHKQT5XP"Watch Video Here: http://www.amazon.com/review/R38E7FLHKQT5XP/a And that's no joke! I ordered this last week, very anxious to see this in spite of it's bad rep. It finally came in today and I saw it! The best bad movie ever! Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe XD. br / br /Now, onto the movie. The movie centers around an intergalactic cop named obviously, Abraxas (Played by Jesse Ventura from Predator. He gets top billing in this as most of the movies he's been in like Predator or Running Man, he usually co-stars as a jerk who gets killed early in a movie) in pursuit of his ex-partner turned renegade, Secundus (Played hilariously by Sven-Ole Thorsen from The Running Man) on earth. We then stumble upon a young couple, the girl, Sonia Murray (Being played by Marjorie Bransfield) wants to keep her virginity, even though her boyfriend wants to get laid with her. Secundus then comes across the couple and tosses the boyfriend out of the car and drives off with Sonia. It is unknown what happens to the boyfriend aftewards. Secundus then asks Sonia if she's fertile and then rapes her by placing his hand on her tummy (WTF!?!) A few minutes later, she gives birth, but how did she do it without anyone to help her? Did she gag it out of her mouth or something? Later, she is seen at her house with her parents, who kick her out of the house because she doesn't know who the father is. Flash foward to Abraxas' home planet. Dar and Hite (Abraxas' dispatchers, would you believe it if I said that the guy playing Dar happened to be the film's director?) have discovered that Secundus has now broken out of his jail and escaped. So after some arguing, they send Abraxas to earth to pursue Secundus yet again. Secundus has returned to earth, 5 years after he impregnated Sonia, to search for Sonia's child, Tommy, who just so happens to be a Comator or something like that. He apparently, has the anti-life equation, which is capable of destroying a world. br / br /I don't think I need to go any further with the plot. I will say there are a lot of unintentionally funny moments, like Jesse saying "My Box has V.D." What's especially funny (unintentionally) is the movie's soundtrack. It's mostly soft jazz playing during the fight sequences, which is very unfitting for a fight sequence, yet laughable at the same time. There's also a somehow pointless scene of Secundus smashing some bottles of Pepsi (My favorite soda btw), which could explain why the movie happens to be sponsored by Coca-Cola, after he steals the Jeep from the camping family. Jim Belushi makes a quick and somehow pointless cameo as the Principle of Tommy's school. He did the cameo as a favor to Marjorie Bransfield, who plays Sonia. And towards the end, for no reason at all, while Secundus confronts Tommy in the warehouse, the song "Strong As I Am" (From "Manhunter") by The Prime Movers, is heard, and just like the Kenny G music playing during the fight sequences, it does not fit the scene at all. It works better in "Manhunter" than it does here. br / br /As for the DVD, it appears to be VHS sourced, as the Cineplex Odeon Video logo appears before the movie. What's also funny is that the menu title says "Abraxus" (LMAO!) And in case anyone's wondering, the PG-13 version (Which is this DVD that I bought) omits a brief scene of nudity during the strip club scene. The original VHS from Prism Entertainment, which is long OOP, contains the whole strip club scene, as it's the R-Rated Version. Also, I attached a brief clip of the last fight sequence in the movie, which of course, has the elevator muzak attached, LOL. Seriously, it's very hilarious. Seeing 2 intergalactic warriors fighting it out to easy listening. br / br /Feel free to comment.

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:

"Bring me the comater, or I will kill all these children... one at the time! ", 2008-06-08
Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe has a very good chance of being mentioned during any discussion of bad movies. It really is a bad movie, yet, to my surprise (if not shame), I didn't hate it nearly as much as I should have, which just serves as further proof that there is obviously something wrong with me. It's certainly not that I like Jesse Ventura, the star of this film - the man was a bigger joke as a governor than he was as a wrestler. Speaking of jokes, Abraxas comes loaded with plenty of unintentional comedy, including one of the oddest cameos (featuring a young Jim Belushi) I've ever seen. Abraxas' infamous line "My box has VD ... trust me" is just a drop in the cheesy cinematic bucket. br / br /Jesse Ventura is, of course, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. I would quantify that by saying it's in name only because he is routinely beaten up by his nemesis (and ex-partner) Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen). You'd think a man with over 10,000 years of experience and a genetically strengthened body could do some real damage to an opponent, but apparently not. At least Ventura doesn't sport any of those ridiculous boas he used to wear in the ring. In his defense, though, he does have a most worthy opponent in Secundus (Thorsen). This guy is all business, an emotionless man of steel who goes through anything that gets in his way - and he has a cool scar across his face that makes him look even tougher. Secundus was once Abraxas' partner, but he chose to turn rogue and pursue unlimited power. For some reason, the pathway to godhood involves Secundus warping down to Earth, finding a breedable female, and getting her pregnant. The resulting child will be "the comater" and somehow come to know the "Anti-Life Equation" that will allow Secundus to secure unlimited power for himself (unless the child accidentally destroys the whole universe first). Abraxas is sent to stop this from happening. br / br /Sonia Murray (Marjorie Bransfield) is the lucky lady who gives birth to the comator (aka Tommy). Fortunately for her, the child is conceived in a most unconventional way, and the whole pregnancy only lasts a couple of minutes - and she gives birth to the child without even taking her pants off. Abraxas disobeys his orders to eliminate the woman and the child, so you know what that means - it's only a matter of time before he's forced to come back to Earth to try and stop Secundus from using the boy as his conduit for unlimited power. br / br /I have no clue what that whole Anti-Life Equation is all about, and what the heck is a "comater," anyway? Quite frankly, nothing about this movie makes a whole lot of sense. Don't look for a bunch of emotional drama here, either, even though there's apparently some kind of weird love thing going on between Abraxas and Sonia - and some people like to question the nature of Abraxas' relationship with Sonia's young son. And the fight scenes? Terrible. I wouldn't trust Abraxas to guard a chicken coop, let alone the entire universe. Thank goodness we have Secundus' comical interactions with human beings to entertain us - as well as Jim Belushi's brief appearance as the dumbest principal in the history of the world. There's no shortage of things to make fun of here, and I guess that's why I didn't hate the film as much as I should have.

3 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

The Worst Movie Ever. Really. , 2005-12-05
This is the worst movie ever made. I am serious, no joke here. I watched the whole thing just to make sure.

5 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

I MAY NOW DIE HAPPY!!, 2005-08-23
This could be one the most influential movies in modern history. The stunning performances, the non-stop action, the half-naked-man-to-boy relationship. Don't forget one of the most quotable lines in modern film making..."my Box has VD, trust me". unforgetable! After viewing this movie i also had a strange craving for Pepsi-cola. Seeing as the only store in the whole movie sold only pepsi and pepsi related paraphenalia... if i could rate this movie i'de give it 3 thumbs up... i recomend this movie to everyone on earth. In fact, the bible is no longer needed now that man has ABRAXUS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!